It feels like I crashed. Maybe not crashed. More like lost my "edge." Don't get me wrong. Those of you who are closest would probably agree that I didn't have an "edge" to start with. Let me explain.
Sometime during labor (yes men, I mean having a baby) I start to get a little tired. I am not so jovial in between contractions. The mood seems to change. There is tension in the air and I get kind of quiet. Things have intensified and I know from experience that I have to stay focused. You see, I have realized that my pain tolerance is directly related to how I "feel" about the contraction. If I start the contraction thinking... "breath deeply, relax your body, this contraction won't last forever, all things work together for good, soon you'll get to see your baby..." the pain of that contraction doesn't seem so severe. On the other hand, if the previous contraction was particularly difficult, and as the next labor pain begins I think... "Oh no, not another one, I can't do this anymore, this is never going to stop, I'm done, maybe I'll do this another day..." the intensity of the contraction will seem unbearable.
And this is where I am. I lost focus of the prize and the Prize Giver. I have gone from hopeful and trusting to discouraged and failing. I had an awful headache on Thursday following a totally disappointing day on Wednesday, in the midst of a week of tooth pain (I am wisdom-teething), all the while trying to keep it all together without my husband. I am not sure exactly when, but I quit accepting God's grace for each moment and started to place my hope and confidence in tomorrow.
A wise friend reminded me, not so long ago, that "a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again." Prov. 24:16 The falling I am having, the getting up, not so much. Thankfully, God is merciful. Not trusting wholly in God is sin. He is gracious and forgiving. He remembers that we are but dust. He'll forget this transgression and clothe me with Christ's righteousness, once again. I know that He will pick me up, and that because of this "forgetting to trust" that I have done, I will probably (hopefully) stay a little closer to Him.
We are precious to our Maker. We are like silver in the hands of a Master Smith. He holds his silver and although we start out looking like nothing precious, the Master Smith sees the preciousness inside. We are precious because he has called us precious. He uses the fire to bring out the dross, which He skims away with skillful hands. The process may be painful to us, but it is necessary. The goal of the Master is that, in time, he will look into the crucible and see the refined silver. He will peer into this beloved silver without dross and impurities, only to behold His own reflection! This is sanctification. This is glorifying to God.
God makes and uses the fires at hand. (Sometimes I spark, and kindle, and throw in the logs all by myself.) I am not sure whether I feel like Jonah or Job. Jonah was running and Job seemed to just be minding his own business. Either way, the answer and the remedy is the same. A submitted, pure heart before the Lord. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart— These, O God, You will not despise." Psalm 51:17
Lord, let my heart be right before you. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for allowing me to see your goodness and your blessings even when I am not seeking you first. Thank you for a darling husband and a bounty of olive branches. I don't deserve any of it. May you be glorified and someday may your reflection be seen in me and in us.
Dear friends, please pray for me. Tomorrow (Tuesday) I'll have my wisdom teeth pulled. I will have a local anesthesia and because I am nursing Gabriel, I will be unable to take anything to deal with anxiety (no Valium). Maybe I'll think of it like a contraction... God bless, good night.
2 comments:
What a touching email Sunshine. I love your heart before God. I will certainly be praying for you!
Sunshine, My girl! I read your email and my heart really goes out to you. I pray for a smooth day today, and for a speedy recovery! I am so glad that we got to talk the other night. I was really encouraged by YOU! I know that you are facing a ton right now, I understand, God has a plan, amen, but you are so strong, you are an amazing child of God, remember that. Even when it feels like he has left temporarily, press in harder. Your heart and spirit are so precious my sister, I will be praying for you, Michael, your family, all those areas of need. We will be praying for answers... answers... God's timing is not always ours huh???!!! Don't you hate that?!
Michael, it sounds like you have found a few good soldiers, thank you Lord. It is a hard environment. I remember one time walking down the hall in Steve's barracks, a rare occasion to do by myself as Steve worried that I would be exposed to craziness and vulgarity, and I was thinking wow, this is a huge ministry field! Grow where you are planted our dear brother Michael, God has you there, for such a time as this!!! (Esther) make the most of this hard time, to reach others for the Lord! It is like a mission my friend, that is something Sunshine said, that you do best with a mission.
I pray for a joyful day for you both, a day of peace and comfort. That those areas of need would be filled and that you would know the love of the Lord in the most intense way today!
Please, let us know how we can help you and what you need. When Steve was deployed I didn't even know how to handle the loneliness. I sort of fell apart. I know now that I needed to reach out. People are busy, they are involved in the day to day, we all are. we are just trying to make it, go along in this life... so Sunshine, reach out, let us know what we can tangibly do for you. I want to have you over soon, to have a meal with us, or to hang out, something... call me when you come to Clatskanie this week, we will get together.
Love you all, blessings,
Sharrie Kreins
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